How Else to Come At It?

Today i woke up at 12 after sleeping at 5 in the morning. I had to get up and study for my permit test again. Alex and Alan slept over as well, so I tried not to make any creaks or loud footsteps as I walked towards my room. I walked in and I still see that Le's knocked out and I hopped on the computer and started surfing the web for practice tests. I was in search of a newer version of a practice test because the practice tests online seemed to be all the same. I seemed to know all the materials on the internet's tests, but the permit test was so much different from the practice test on the internet.. that's how I fail the first time. My mom got back home around 12 30 with some In N Out. And I was not really expecting her until 1 or 1 30. I grabbed a burger and she told me when I was done, we'll go to the DMV. So I tried to stay consistent with my studying while eating that delicious burger. I took about a good 5 mins eating that and another good 10 on studying some more. My mom asked me if I was ready yet, if I wasn't; to make sure that I take a shower and think about it.

While in the showers, I was constantly thinking about my outcomes on the test. Even though everybody usually thinks of passing tests, I was thinking what if I didn't pass it. It was all ugly images in my head of how my brothers would bash me about how I didn't pass, and my mom blatantly telling me of how I am too lazy to even study. So when there's situations like these most people pray. Now.. my situation was hard because I no longer believe in Christianity. After being raised up in Christianity my whole life, after dropping that belief, it's hard to figure or even know what to believe in next. I wanted to pray, because thats usually a custom in my family that I'm really used to with. My mom has always told me that God was the one that perform miracles.. and there's no other form or reason of why they happen. I used to believe that for so long, but now my mind has changed. After watching Zeitgeist, it made me become resistant towards Christianity now. I know thats something that most people think is radical, disowning a religion over some documentary. But I have already knew certains about this world and also it made my eyes become more open to the informations they put on the documentary. All of their information are all stated and it has been researched through many ancient documents, so their info is pretty much on point. So I had this overwhelming feeling inside that I didn't know how to channel into something that I could relieve myself a bit. Since I no longer know who to pray to, or how to pray to anymore after "Christ".

After the shower, I told my mom that I was ready and she took me to the DMV. I took the test and I pass. Thank ______(Some real Deity). My mom was happy that I passed my test and she said that she was proud of me. She asked me did I pray. I didn't pray, but I just told her that I did. She was like "See, I told you to pray on the way here and it worked. I was praying for you while you was taking the test as well and now we need to thank God for blessing us with his occasion." I was reluctant to give God credit on my ability to pass the permit test. But I just couldn't say no to a woman who has solely based her life on God. I love my mom too much to put her through the feeling of agony of not raising her son well enough to make him not believe in Jesus. So I just go along with the things she tells me about him and how much he has helped us in our lives. But now I'm stuck in this area where I don't know if I can tell my family that I don't belive in Christianity no more or either just start searching for a newer meaning in other religions and help them catch on on their own. Or do I just play along with the idea that they think I believe in such a religion to the day that my lungs will not inhale life any longer.